Fall, 2004 – Issue II

Dear Editor

I must tell you that since I got laser eye surgery done last month, you have gotten quite a bit uglier.

Your Secret Admirer

Well perhaps they made a mistake with the eye surgery because, if I do say so myself, I am a VERY handsome wolf-beast.

Dear Editor:

I was at a nude wedding last week and me and my ‘egg roll’ were within 1/2-inch of being the best man.

Chen Kenichi
Iron Chef Chinese

Dear Snoot: Whenever I sit down I get shooting pains through my butt. Is there any kind of cure or ointment I could take for this? – Ruffled Rump

For the last time, Manny, stop sitting on cactus in the field, damn it!

Dear Snoot: Last month a friend came back home after a few months of being away. He was very upset with his new job and didn’t really want to drive back to Ontario. His incessant complaining drives me crazy but I want to be a good friend. What should I tell him? – Mini Me

This PERSON should never have left the Island as it is the centre of the universe and anyone who leaves must be mentally challenged and the Air Force to boot!!

Dear Snoot: Recently my friends seem to be ignoring me a lot more. In the past they would call me to go out all the time or they would come over to my house and we would have a few laughs. Now to have a social life I am forced to park outside their houses and wait for them to leave so I can join in the fun. At the pub when I talk to them they say the music to too loud to hear me but even outside we have the same problem. What should I do? Should I continue to stalk them or just burn their houses down and forget about it? – Ralphy

Walts… er Ralphy, just accept the fact and move on. No one likes a whiner.